I'VE JUST HAD A BABY

Did anyone see this poem by Annie Ridout?!

"I've just had a baby -
don't expect too much of me.
Invite me, but don't be annoyed if I say no.
For days, weeks, months.
I'll come when I can; when we're ready.
If you ask to visit and I hesitate,
please take that as a polite "no" (not yet).
But if I'm indecisive, gentle persuasion might be just what I need.
A quick visit, a cup of tea, talking about the world outside of my cocoon.
Company is important but so is rest.
I might appear selfish but I need to be
right now, it's about me, my baby and my body.
If I push myself to please other people;
I'll break down in both body and mind.
I need time, love, care, nurturing, support, understanding.
No negativity, judgement or expectation.
I've just had a baby."

Motherhood hits you like a freight train and touches you delicately like a feather - all at once. Motherhood is heavy, intense and overpowering and yet it is gentle, soft and splendid - at the same time. You feel like you were born for this and yet like a piece of you has died.

This stunning and mighty transformation that occurs when one becomes a mother is soul-altering, life-changing but, if I'm honest, bloody lonely.

We are often weighed down by the expectation that a baby and small children will fit seamlessly into our lives. And often, they do. But sometimes, it is a process. You start to get some serious FOMO. This is a breeding ground for resentment.

I'm sure we've all been there. You're in that rocking chair, again, baby asleep in your arms. Finally, an opportunity to catch up on the happenings outside of these four walls. You unlock your phone and start to scroll. There's those photos from last weekend that you've already seen. It was an event you were meant to go to. In the end, the milk you pumped didn't get put in the fridge, the littlest babe had come down with a fever and your partner had to work late.

But tonight is different. Your friends have checked in elsewhere. And you don't remember receiving an invite.

It happens. It stings. You look down at your little one's soft head of hair and sigh with their gentle outward breath. "Who even am I now? And who's with me?"

In their defence, if you had been invited, you would have said:
"No thanks. I have to catch up on the 918 hours of sleep that I've lost over the past six months." (True story, apparently).

In your defence, you've just had a baby.
 
Besides the physical and practical barriers to attending social gatherings or seeing another human being face to face at all, there's also the very crucial element of postpartum that's ever so gently yet very undoubtedly ignored: you've changed.

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Public service announcement! There will be surgeons who need surgery. Artists who buy art. Teachers who go to university to be taught. You are a parent. And you are absolutely qualified. But you will need help and you will need support. You will need to outsource. 100%. And that's okay! Whether that's childcare, takeaway meals, a cleaner, a cry on a friend's shoulder, reading a parenting book, googling at 3am… You are not supposed to feel as though you have it all under control. You are supposed to feel as though you're learning every day. It's okay if that feels messy right now. It doesn't always have to feel as though parenting is enlightening or solid ground. It can feel awkward and overwhelming. So if you're unsettled this week, remember these words: It may feel like you're still sitting the examinations. But you're A Parent. You are qualified. You are cut out for this. □

A post shared by Zelma - The Postnatal Project (@thepostnatalproject) on Nov 26, 2019 at 11:15pm PST

And maybe you love this. Maybe there's a part of you who hates it. You've become THAT mum. The one who is dictated by nap times. Your search for sanity is no longer 5pm drinks but an 8:30pm bedtime and leaving the washing in the machine a day too long.

Life is simpler yet more complicated than ever. Life is slower yet your mind races.

To reach out to others is a feat seemingly only reserved for the strongest and most brave of parents. To admit to loneliness would be to admit defeat. Those hashtags you posted to accompany that baby pic are suddenly a lie.

That push-pull between wanting to be surrounded by your closest friends and not wanting to be seen with greasy, baby hair and in activewear again is strong.

Motherhood is the literal definition of ambivalence. And sacrifice beyond the normal realm.

So how can you be a friend to someone who has just had a baby? Even if you're a parent yourself, it's easy to get caught up in your own experience of parenthood and of life. But it's important to stay connected.

• Ask. Invite. Even if you know they won't be able to make it. It's nice to be thought of and included. Kindness always prevails.
• Go one better and shift the social interaction to suit. What about brunch somewhere with a basket of toys instead of dinner?
• Cook them dinner - at their house. Don't judge when they eat their dinner cold and the toddler gets in and out of the highchair 7 times. And do the dishes while they bathe and settle their little ones. Never stay too late unless explicitly asked. Sleep is precious!
• Remember the children's birthdays. Seriously, this means the world to us mums. And send us a text on Mother's Day. That acknowledgement and respect is pretty epic.
• Be gentle. You never know how their experience of parenthood has been behind closed doors.
• Be consistent. A text once every few months is nice but a text once a week is nicer.
• Show an interest in their children. Hold them, talk to them, listen to them, play with them. Treat them like they are another one of your friends - because they are.

And if there's anything that I've learnt, it's this:
Authenticity is always the answer. Speak up about how you're going. Ask for help if you can't fit it all in. Express your loneliness. You only get one motherhood; a lifetime. Make yours yours.

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If you liked this blog post, you're going to loooooove the rest of what The Postnatal Project has to offer.

Mama, Let's Be Honest - The eBook is a great place to start.

Your downloadable book literally saved my life and set me on a path to getting help and healing without judgement.
- Kimberly

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